


Marital Arts

by SparkleTurtle



Category: Kung Fu Panda (Movies)
Genre: Comedy, Fluff and Humor, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:13:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23798269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SparkleTurtle/pseuds/SparkleTurtle
Summary: Tigress discovers married life is much more difficult than she'd thought, so she goes to Shifu for advice. Needless to say, her old Master is not thrilled. Oneshot.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 27





	Marital Arts

“Master,” Tigress said, bowing low before Shifu. “I need your help.”

Shifu raised an eyebrow at Tigress, the most advanced of all his students, but nodded anyways. Whatever it was she needed, he would provide for his almost adopted daughter. “What is this about?” he asked.

“Not here.” Tigress’ eyes flickered from side to side, as if she were seeing enemies crouched behind the temple's pillars.

“Follow me, then,” he said, walking toward the kitchen. Tigress was acting suspiciously, but he’d let it be. After all, since she'd married Po, her life had changed drastically. “We can have some tea, and we can get out Monkey’s almond cookies. I'm sure he won't mind.” Once in the kitchen, Shifu went straight to the boiling water. It was such a timesaver to always have a pot going. He poured a cup and, handing it to Tigress, ordered, “Talk.”

“It's about Po,” Tigress began, faltering when she saw the aggrieved look on Shifu’s face. She took a deep breath — one which, Shifu noticed with detachment, would allow her to survive a punch in the gut — and continued, “We can't seem to get along anymore, and I'm worried that we'll end up divorced.”

Shifu groaned. He wasn't married! He'd never even dated. Why did they keep coming to him for relationship advice? Mantis had started it, with his agonizing over the neighboring village’s Walking Stick. Then Crane and Viper had come as well. He'd always thought that Po and Tigress, the golden couple, would never bother him. But here she was sitting before him. “Well, why do you think you’ll end up divorced?” he asked, struggling to keep his irritation out of his voice.

He must have succeeded, because Tigress didn't burst into tears nor punch him in the gut for being an ‘unfeeling idiot’, to quote Monkey. Instead, she had only a small quaver in her voice when she answered, “First of all, he won't throw away his Tigress figurine. I've told him multiple times that I hate the plastic replica of me. I mean, he idolized me for so long and it's impossible for me to live up to those expectations.” Tigress paused and took a sip of tea. “I hate seeing that thing. It’s like an example of what I should have been, but never was. I gave up Kung Fu to be with him; I'm no longer Master Tigress.”

Shifu patted her paw awkwardly. “Erm, it’s going to be all right,” he said gruffly. “You know that you were never really kicked out of the temple, so you still technically haven’t given up Kung Fu. And I could probably waive the rule about being a celibate Master. It’s obsolete anyway.”

Tigress gave him a small smile. “Thanks, Shifu, but I won’t ask that of you. And anyways, that’s not what’s bothering me.” She took a shaky breath, then continued, “It’s the fact that I’ve asked Po to do something to me — something very important to me — and he refused.”

Her amber eyes were glinting when she finished, and Shifu thought, Why me? Treading carefully, he cleared his throat and offered, “Perhaps it’s because Po, too, has strong feelings on the matter. It may be important to him as well. You should talk to him.”

“I already talk to him!” Tigress snapped. Then she calmed. “I’m sorry that I yelled at you,” she said, regarding him over the rim of her tea cup. “I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s fine.” Shifu waved away her apologies. “This is a tense subject. Just don’t throw the tea-pot at me, and it’ll be alright.” He took another bite of his almond cookie — if there was one good thing about counselling lovelorn fools, it was the food — and asked, “What else do you want to tell me? I assume there’s more on your mind than an old Tigress figurines.”

Tigress smiled. “Yes, in fact, there is. Shifu, you know how I can’t cook, right?”

“Really? You’re worried about that?” Shifu gave his student an incredulous look. “I know you can’t cook — you’ve even managed to burn soup, which is basically flavoured water — but Po is a fabulous cook!”

“That’s exactly the problem,” Tigress replied, twirling her tea cup between her paws. “I can't cook, so I'm completely useless! Why would he want me?”

“He wants you because he can see your inner beauty, Tigress.” Inside, Shifu was cursing his students for their overly complex relationships, but he kept his voice calm. “You complete his life, making it while. In a way, you serve a role similar to that of his father: supporting Po.”

“No,” Tigress moaned. “Don't talk about Po’s dad.”

Shifu smirked. He wouldn't, then. He already wanted this conversation to end.

But then to his dismay, Tigress proceeded to gripe, “His father hates me. I just know it. I think it's because he's jealous of my time with Po — every time I enter the room, he finds some reason to leave!”

Shifu coughed, then suggested delicately, “Are you sure it's not because he's afraid of you?”

“Why would he be afraid of me?” Tigress laughed, though it was slightly unstable, like she was in the edge of tears. “I mean, I'm not scary.”

“Tigress…” Shifu laid his hand over his student’s paw. “You are a tiger; he is a duck. You are the predator; he is the prey. You move with a feline grace; he waddles. He's afraid you'll eat him!”

“Argh!” Tigress shouted, letting her head fall to the table, where it landed with a resounding thump. “This is ridiculous! Why can’t this be as easy as martial arts?” she groaned.

Shifu smirked for a fraction of a second before schooling his face to a more appropriate expression. “Anything worth having is difficult,” he replied sagely. “Otherwise, we wouldn’t value it enough. Now, I have to go teach the afternoon class. Help yourself to the rest of the almond cookies.”

Tigress nodded, her eyes still closed, and Shifu thanked the universe that she didn't realize he never taught afternoon classes. Now he could escape this horribly awkward and painful conversation. He hurried from the room, careful not to smile until he was further away from Tigress.

He was just outside of the kitchen, grinning like a loon, when he bumped into Po. Or, more accurately, Po’s monstrous stomach. “What do you want?” Shifu grumbled from the ground.

The repentant Dragon Warrior offered him a hand, which Shifu took, and Po pulled him to his feet. “I’m going to the kitchen. I eat when I’m upset.”

Shifu nodded. “Great, then,” he replied vaguely. He really couldn’t deal with more upset people today. “Go ahead.” He waved Po through.

“Wait...” Po turned around and looked at Shifu, a speculative glint in his eye. “You don’t have any classes right now, Master Shifu. You could help me solve my problems!”

Shifu sighed. Oogway, what did I do to deserve this? But he plastered a smile on his face and said through gritted teeth, “Fine. What do you want to talk about.”

Po glanced from side to side, then leaned forward to whisper conspiratorially, “Tigress.”

“Oh no you don’t.” Shifu thrust Po away and began to stalk back to his room. “I’m not doing that again.”

But Po ran up after him, catching up in no time. Blast him for being the Dragon Warrior. If he weren't, that panda would be nothing more than another unfortunate victim of the Wuxi Finger Hold. “But Master Shifu,” Po said, a faintly whiny tone in his voice. “You’re so wise! You have all this kung-fu wisdom!”

Shifu snorted. “The martial and marital arts are not the one and the same, Po.”

“But I bet you could still give really great advice! I mean, you saved Mantis’ relationship!’

Shifu wriggled his moustache and picked up his pace. “That was a fluke. I am no love expert.”

“But— Master Shifu— please—”

“No. Leave me alone! Go to the kitchen. Have some almond cookies. Drink some tea. You’ll solve your problems that way.”

“Whoa! You’re not telling me to go train and become a better warrior and solve everything that way? You’re telling me to comfort eat? Wicked!” Po’s voice floated back as the panda raced away, no doubt hurrying to the kitchens.

Shifu smiled. He’d finally solved his own problem.


End file.
